It has been a couple years without you, but there still isn't a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind. Every day, you are still there, and every day I still miss you. We were not the healthiest couple by any means, and being split apart is no doubt the best thing for us. We were toxic to each other, but we still loved each other very much. Unfortunately the relationship took it's toll on the both of us, shattering us and leaving it in pieces. I wish I would have been a better man to you, afterall, you were the woman of my dreams. I hurt you too many times and I deserved to have you walk away from me. I take responsibility for it all, I know I screwed up big time. My personality disroder is not to blame, but it indeed made it more difficult to hold a healthy relationship. If only I could've gotten my anger and temper under control sooner, and maybe none of the lashing out would've happened. I still think about the shit I did every day, and I will forever live with the regret of my actions and words towards you. You never deserved the abuse. I was a terrible person to you when I should have been the best thing to ever happen to you. I should've treated you better and loved you the correct way.
Then again I wasn't the only toxic lover. The emotional, verbal, and mental abuse towards me put in states of suicidal ideations, and distress. Never is it okay to tell someone you love that they deserve to die. The fact you took my disorder and used vile words towards me in order to hurt me, was also heartbreaking. You would say and do things that you knew would have a direct impact on me that would cause me distress. You also did things behind my back which I found out about through your own friends. I shouldn't be the only one left apologizing. It's okay though, I forgive you for the not so good things you did to me. I do not regret meeting you and I surely do not regret you being mine. I really did believe we would get married someday, and I know you loved your promise ring to death. I still have it, by the way. I forgive you and I hope you can forgive me too.
I'm still a loner and not much has changed in my life. I'd like to think I've gotten my issues more under control, but sometimes those issues can slip through the cracks. I've been trying my best to become a better person, and if you knew me today I'd hope you see a positive difference. I'm so sorry for all the negative things I did to you, and I wish I could take it all back. I just wish I could press rewind and somehow fix myself to where we would still be the cute couple we were. If by any chance you are reading this K.B.; just know I am so sorry, for everything, from the bottom of my heart. I miss you, and I love you very much. You'll always be my honey bunches of sunshine.
I hope you are doing well for yourself, and I hope you've been okay. The last time we talked was a few months ago when you messaged me out of the blue asking for face wash. I immediately had an anxiety attack seeing your emoji for your contact in my phone. I shouldn't have kept your number but I'm sure even you know I wouldn't delete it. So of course I met up with you, but I gave you $10 instead so you could pick one out. I asked for a hug before we departed which you said okay to. I'll never forget that night and the feel and warmth of your hug and the pure happiness of a moment that was for me. Thank you for that it really meant so much to me. We had a private conversation which I won't post details about, but you were going through a rough patch in your life, and I truly hope you made it out for the better. You're always welcome to reach out to me, I know there will never be anything romantic between us again, but I will not break my promise to you when I said I'll never abandon you. I am always here for you and always willing to listen. I will always be your shoulder if you don't have one. I promised that to you then, and I promise that to you now. Sorry for my rambling.
To the strangers reading this who have made it this far, thank you.
Love and miss you K.B.
update: thank you to the strangers who have sent me an email. I do appreciate the feedback.
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